Why I’m Not Afraid of Dying Alone (Anymore)
I joke about dying alone a lot. Mostly because it’s fun to make up plot lines for imaginary Lifetime movies that involve cats eating off my face and a viral hashtag of #debbiediesalone . But do I actually believe I’m going to die a Hoarders plotline-esque death?
Yeah….that’d be a no.
I recently watched The Swedish Theory of Love, a great documentary about how Sweden has so stressed the importance of the individual that over 50% of the country lives alone. Because of this, they’ve even built a department in the government that deals exclusively with people dying alone in their apartments.
Great. There goes that joke.
This DID get me thinking though. Right now, I absolutely LOVE being alone. In my other post I wrote about living with my “boyfriend” in Norway, but we aren’t officially official because….NORWAY. So for all intents and purposes, I’m alone. And while I loved living with him, and I love being with him, was I still looking forward to getting back to the States and having my own space and being able to spend 24 hours a day by myself if I wanted to?
Do I really feel like I’m ready to live with someone, ready to get married, ready to be with the same person forever? More importantly, do I want to?
Dammit.
Or…..is that a good thing?
I love my life. I’m traveling a lot, I have a job I really enjoy, a family that loves me, great friends, and if I want to eat birthday cake for breakfast and not put on pants for 24 hours, I can! My life is pretty darn cool and I am happy. So why is there still a little voice inside me going “Oooh, don’t get too comfortable, you better find someone or you’ll wake up at 60 and be alone.”
Exactly, inner monologue: STFU.
I’m checking in with myself on this because i think it’s super important to be aware. To not stick your head in the sand and do what you “should” do just because someone says you “should.” Like my pesky inner voice is telling me.
I don’t want to go on endless Tinder dates because I feel like I should be finding someone. I do want to lay in bed alone on Friday night and read great books. I don’t want kids. I do want dogs. I don’t want a husband right now. Maybe I will in the future. Maybe I won’t ever get married but I’ll be in a cool, Goldie Hawn-esque life partner scenario. And if none of these things happen, will my life still be full?
YEP.
if you feel good being alone, BE ALONE. If you want to be with someone, BE WITH SOMEONE. There is NO shame in life either way, no matter what any of your well meaning friends and family may tell you. If you live your life in a way that makes YOU happy, then you’ll probably be fine dying in your apartment cuddling Mr. Biggles as you go.
I’m back in the States now and spent this entire weekend by myself. I had the option of doing some things and seeing some people, but I chose to just hang out with me. I like this feeling. A lot. I’ve worked hard to earn it and for the first time the only person I’m holding responsible for my own happiness is….me. If and when I want to find someone, I will. Maybe I already have. But right now, I want to relax into this feeling of contentment that I know I have worked very hard to find. Not to find, but to build. Myself.
I’m happy.
That’s enough.
