Why I Quit Self Magazine (and why you should too)
One day, while reading one of the countless forgettable women’s fitness magazines that line the shelves, I saw this,
“How long would you have to run to burn off that Big Mac, fries, & Coke you just treated yourself to after a bad day at work? Hold on to your hat sweetie, because that’s gonna take you 2 hours and 47 regretful minutes on the treadmill! We’ll just call you Forrest Gump!”
The font was pink and swirly and cheery. The use of exclamation points excessive. And instead of the “clutch my pearls, what have I done?!” reaction I’m sure the writers were hoping for because that would guarantee they could sell me more magazines, I was more like:
“Oh f*ccccccccccck YOU!” I think I even threw the magazine at the wall.
That was the day I quit. No more airport stops at the newstand. No more impulse buys at the grocery store on a rainy Friday night. I’d had enough.
It’s not like this was the first time I’d seen something like this. I had read enough of these articles to last me a long, completely unfun, excuse-me-while-I-nibble-only-on-the-cruditè life.
And I had had it.
You know what I want to think about when I’m eating a Big Mac? “Damn, this is delicious. I needed this today.” Same goes for pizza, ice cream, and a glass of wine (or six). In a Forrest Gump-esque twist of fate, I also love to run. But not because I’m panicked about my Big Mac. I just love how I feel when I’m running.
I haven’t read any women’s magazines since and you know how that makes me feel? FANTASTIC. I eat burgers and enjoy them, I don’t know or care how to put on winged eyeliner, and I’ve never worried if my blow job is up to par.
If something tastes good, I’ll eat it. If something tastes bad, I won’t. Same goes for what I choose to consume with my brain. If something makes me feel good, I’ll devour it faster than an OG cronut. But if something makes me feel the way that magazine did? I’ll take food poisoning over that.
Stop doing stuff you hate. Stop feeling guilty about things you like. Live life, and live it large. Eat the burger, run the miles, but don’t do one only because of the other.
And if you happen to need some paper to line your cat’s litter box, I have some ideas….
